She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
