Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
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