omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
