I looked at my own cervix.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
