Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
