Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
