I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
