My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
