you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
