12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize