I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Vodka?
Forever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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