This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
