What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
