i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
