Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
