I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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