WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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