either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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