I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
