her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
God, I missed his penis.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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