If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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