yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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