My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
