My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
