Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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