haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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