dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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