I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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