i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
