My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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