I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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