bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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