Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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