a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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