Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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