I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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