You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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