I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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