There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
