Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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