shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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