And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
