Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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