You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
