Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
