Kiss
Puke
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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