She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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