I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
