I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
