I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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