home. puking in laundry basket.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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