Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
