i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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