making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize