Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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