And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
