Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
