you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
